You Never Know What You’ll Find When You’re Cleaning Out Your Closets

Holiday Cleaning…BLECH!

However, sometimes you can stumble upon some things you haven’t seen in a very, VERY long time. Those cupboards and shoe boxes can take you back in time. The only problem is, you most likely won’t end up in Narnia.

As first loves go, mine was a real shit storm of awfulness. I was naive, wide eyed and very inexperienced as a young woman. I thought I had it all together but…HA! Of course at the time, I had no idea how awful it really was. Mine may have been the textbook example of the sweet young girl swept off her feet by the bad…and I mean really, really bad boy.

Without going into the gory details of what was a horrible chapter of my life, I wrote…a LOT of poetry. Some of it was so awful that after discovering it today, I disposed of it immediately after reading them.

Two of them however were especially interesting. One kind of set the stage. The other, symbolized closing the curtain…and burning down the theater.

In reality, it took a great deal of emotional and physical damage to actually close that curtain for good but as we always say, all of our experiences, both good and bad, are what formed the people we are today. I suppose it’s okay for me to wish I’d have opened a different tub of clay though isn’t it? I mean, I still don’t know what the lesson was in living inside of that nightmare for almost two years. I have to believe there was a reason though and that somewhere deep down, those scars are doing me a world of good.

So, with that being said, welcome to my lovelorn, damaged, scarred and tortured 19 year old brain. I refuse to believe my heart had anything at all to do with this horrific experience. Yes, it really was that bad.

Remember…I’m not saying these poems are good. I’m saying they came from somewhere genuine and very deep that I am so grateful I didn’t have to live through twice.

Those Three Wordshearts

Do you say it with a dry eye or do you say it with a tear?

Do you say the words with a hesitant voice and shaky lips or do you kiss the words into reality and then whisper?

Can you blink and turn your eyes to the moon and feel what your heart cries out to speak?

Might you try laughing freely, giggling the phrase and have it dance off your tongue–each word a fancy new step you’ve been dying to try and you’ve finally found the right tune to do it to?

Should you say it to yourself and hope that he hears it through your hands as they touch him or while your heart beats against his when he holds you tight?

Are the possibilities endless and the horizons of your dreams unreachable or is it really easy and effortless to speak the words you long to experience?

You cannot hear these words for they are more than the ear can compel or the brain can comprehend, the flesh can feel or the heart can contain.

They reach into your soul and grasp the life that flows through your veins.

They travel throughout your body, never leaving for all eternity, if it is real.

The creator himself may claim the occasion when these words are spoken but once they enter your soul, if it is true, honest and everlasting, no matter how they get inside, they will always mean…

I love you.

Now…down comes the curtain. Be afraid…be very afraid.

 

STOP!

Like slivers of ice invading my bloodcrime

Each one sharper than the one before as they weave their way through my body and into my heart

They keep on moving through me

They strike every nerve, tendon, muscle and bone

My flesh feels like a lump if crawling insects, chewing on me until I ache all over

My guts are mush, melting and yet frozen in a sea of endless pain and torture

 They keep making me cry and hurting me and they

never

STOP!

Phew…I wish I could go back in time and give that poor girl a big hug and tell her how amazing she turned out! 😉

Time Flies, Cleaning Sucks and Hello Monday Blues

This was by far the fastest weekend I can remember for quite some time. I’m not kidding.

It feels like I just walked out of work on Friday and here it is one o’clock am Monday morning. I cleaned, watched the kiddies a bit, caught a couple movies on cable and did a good bit of writing and yet I feel like time is just blowing past me.

I worked on edits to post a few more chapters of “An Unfortunate Son” but they still need a bit of dusting before I’ll post them. If you are one of the few who are following along, bare with me. I’m hoping to have them up some time tomorrow.

I had an interesting conversation at dinner the other night. A coworker has retired and we celebrated with a dinner for her last Thursday. It’s always nice to get together occasionally with your coworkers outside of work. Who has time to chit chat and share anecdotes about family and life events while at work unless you sit right next to someone all day long? It was fun to hear some of their stories and to discuss off the wall things.

One of those things was how most of us women at work wish we had housekeepers. Imagine how much free time we’d have to actually live our lives if we didn’t have to pick up after everyone and could come home from work to a healthy dinner and a clean house?

Ahhhh it’s those little things that make me happy.

Then, the discussion went on–or rather I went on to say that if I ever become a best selling author, I won’t waste my money on jewelry, three hundred dollar bags and shoes or even clothes but rather just use it to have more free time. Oh and then the driving thing. I would never drive again unless I wanted to. My goal is to downsize my things and gradually find my way into a minimalist life. I’m so over clutter. The more evolved I become as a human being the less I need.

Since work is but a few hours away, I once again find myself with those Monday blues. The anxiety of Sunday nights is depressing. I only want to write. I only want to immerse myself in telling a story.

Until then, I make the best of life and am just grateful to have a job I enjoy and coworkers who make it even more enjoyable. There are so many who do not. Someday soon, writing full time will pay the bills and on that day, I’ll hire a housekeeper. 😉

Have a wonderful night my friends.