Lately Nothing Fits

Lately nothing fits

Everything expands and contracts around me

Like a balloon going from hot to cold

Cold to hot

Full to empty

 

Where is the light?

I know it’s hidden there behind the clouds of doubt

Growing roots beneath the surface

the seeds of doubt and the seeds of confidence germinate

side by side

Their roots intermingle and sprout,

both reaching for the light.

 

Whose leaves will roll out  and catch the golden rays?

Whose buds will bloom?

Which will attract the buzzing bees?

To which will the bee fly and pollinate?

Which will shrivel and die and which will drink that light?

 

Lately nothing fits.

Everything is too tight or too loose.

The chair too small.

The bed too hard.

The porridge too hot.

 

The world…too big.

 

Yes…Behind this Innocent Smile, Darkness Sometimes Lurks

As hard as it might be to believe, sometimes, I am not so nice.

Although I am 95% happy and proud of it, it’s taken me a long time to reach this place and the path to get here was made up of good choices, good people and a positive attitude about my life. I have certain expectations and I do my best to hold true to them. This path was also made up of avoiding as well as ridding myself of things and people who I knew would bring me down. Unfortunately though, we don’t always have control over who comes into our lives but we do have the ability to manage the relationship in a way we can live with…or…we lay down the law and boundaries required for us to exist in the same universe with said other person. That is until you just can’t hold back anymore.

My strongest dark emotions are born of wanting to protect those I love aka the lioness. She is the spirit of my temper.

However, it takes me a while to reach the level of anger to finally speak my mind. It’s draining and I don’t know how people stay angry all of the time.

I’m a slow burn as they say.

I normally do not beat about the bush. I’ve developed the ability to express my dissatisfaction in a way that is virtually painless but at the same time, I’ve definitely gotten my point across. Most people who know me, know this and they appreciate the fact that I don’t waste their time. I appreciate the same in return and have whittled my circle of friends down to those who give me the same respect and honesty I give them. They don’t judge me for my past, they praise me for how far I’ve come and we accept each other for who we are.

For the most part, I am as mellow as purring cat.

But then there are the sometimes. Sometimes, I get tired and fed up and disgusted with others’ behavior and unfortunately, that little voice inside me grows until I can no longer hold it in. Don’t come at me with the same issues repeatedly when you refuse to take the steps necessary to release yourself from situations that you allow to cause you grief. Don’t come at me with lies, threats, innuendo and flat out bullshit either. I can see it from a mile away.

Everyone has a limit to their patience…even me.

When I finally speak up, it is beyond warranted and the target of my wrath has had it coming for quite some time. They have most likely even been warned. Then in an an instant–an instant of their own denial that I won’t release the Kraken…

I release the Kraken.

I am probably one of the nicest, most accommodating, loving, caring and understanding people you could ever meet, which is why I think when I reach that point, it has taken a great deal of whipping to get me there. You damn near have to turn me inside out to get me to this place. However, if you are holding the whip and I’ve had enough, rest assured the sting I will inflict in return will be far worse.

I have a lot of experience and absolutely no fear.

We’ve all lived through tragedy, pain and heartbreak and come out the other side stronger than before. Some of us have come out of it with a deeper and darker understanding of life and of our worst traits and abilities. Once we embrace them and understand that those dark places are just as important as the light ones and that they are necessary to preserve our survival, we’ve finally reached that place where we accept all of ourselves and not just the pretty things.

Don’t apologize for speaking your mind.

Don’t apologize for fighting back.

Don’t apologize for confronting and exposing people for who they really are.

Don’t apologize for embracing that part of yourself that is dark and scary and necessary.

You don’t have to live in that dark hole and it’s best not to go in there unless you absolutely have no other choice but make no mistake, it’s there for a reason.

It’s there to keep you from being abused, taken advantage of and controlled but you have to master it and not allow it to master you.

Art and Heroes – A Morning of Goosebumps and Amazement

Some things just defy explanation. Just accept them and go forward.

This morning on my break I was on what I call a Twitter thank you binge. What I do is instead of just sharing someone’s Twitter handle with the words thank you or just their Twitter handle saying “follow this great person” or something of the like, I Tweet their profile blurb.

So as I’m going through my newest followers, I come upon the most amazing and mind blowing thing!

My favorite modern impressionist artist, whose painting “A Farewell to Anger” has been the background on my writing laptop for over year, followed me on Twitter!

I didn’t even know he had a Twitter account.

I didn’t know he had an Etsy.

I didn’t know he had a Facebook.

All I knew was his art is so moving and colorful and it pulls you in and lights up your heart.

I’m proud to share with you, the amazing…

Leonid Afremov

Here is the painting from my desktop:

Farewell to anger

REAL LIFE HEROES

The young man in this video is a hero.

http://www.abc2news.com/news/crime-checker/baltimore-city-crime/police-man-stabbed-robbed-by-four-others-in-federal-hill

8/19/14 BALTIMORE – A man is in critical but stable condition after being stabbed and robbed Sunday morning in Federal Hill.

Baltimore police said at approximately 4:24 a.m. officers were called to the 1200 block of Wall Street in reference to a stabbing. The officers located the 24-year-old victim who was suffering from multiple stab wounds. He was then transported to an area hospital.

Police said the victim was attacked by four males between the ages of 16 and 18 who had been riding on mopeds. One of the suspects approached the victim, assaulted him, took his wallet and personal belongings, police said.

He’s home from the hospital and has a message for us all: