Yes…Behind this Innocent Smile, Darkness Sometimes Lurks

As hard as it might be to believe, sometimes, I am not so nice.

Although I am 95% happy and proud of it, it’s taken me a long time to reach this place and the path to get here was made up of good choices, good people and a positive attitude about my life. I have certain expectations and I do my best to hold true to them. This path was also made up of avoiding as well as ridding myself of things and people who I knew would bring me down. Unfortunately though, we don’t always have control over who comes into our lives but we do have the ability to manage the relationship in a way we can live with…or…we lay down the law and boundaries required for us to exist in the same universe with said other person. That is until you just can’t hold back anymore.

My strongest dark emotions are born of wanting to protect those I love aka the lioness. She is the spirit of my temper.

However, it takes me a while to reach the level of anger to finally speak my mind. It’s draining and I don’t know how people stay angry all of the time.

I’m a slow burn as they say.

I normally do not beat about the bush. I’ve developed the ability to express my dissatisfaction in a way that is virtually painless but at the same time, I’ve definitely gotten my point across. Most people who know me, know this and they appreciate the fact that I don’t waste their time. I appreciate the same in return and have whittled my circle of friends down to those who give me the same respect and honesty I give them. They don’t judge me for my past, they praise me for how far I’ve come and we accept each other for who we are.

For the most part, I am as mellow as purring cat.

But then there are the sometimes. Sometimes, I get tired and fed up and disgusted with others’ behavior and unfortunately, that little voice inside me grows until I can no longer hold it in. Don’t come at me with the same issues repeatedly when you refuse to take the steps necessary to release yourself from situations that you allow to cause you grief. Don’t come at me with lies, threats, innuendo and flat out bullshit either. I can see it from a mile away.

Everyone has a limit to their patience…even me.

When I finally speak up, it is beyond warranted and the target of my wrath has had it coming for quite some time. They have most likely even been warned. Then in an an instant–an instant of their own denial that I won’t release the Kraken…

I release the Kraken.

I am probably one of the nicest, most accommodating, loving, caring and understanding people you could ever meet, which is why I think when I reach that point, it has taken a great deal of whipping to get me there. You damn near have to turn me inside out to get me to this place. However, if you are holding the whip and I’ve had enough, rest assured the sting I will inflict in return will be far worse.

I have a lot of experience and absolutely no fear.

We’ve all lived through tragedy, pain and heartbreak and come out the other side stronger than before. Some of us have come out of it with a deeper and darker understanding of life and of our worst traits and abilities. Once we embrace them and understand that those dark places are just as important as the light ones and that they are necessary to preserve our survival, we’ve finally reached that place where we accept all of ourselves and not just the pretty things.

Don’t apologize for speaking your mind.

Don’t apologize for fighting back.

Don’t apologize for confronting and exposing people for who they really are.

Don’t apologize for embracing that part of yourself that is dark and scary and necessary.

You don’t have to live in that dark hole and it’s best not to go in there unless you absolutely have no other choice but make no mistake, it’s there for a reason.

It’s there to keep you from being abused, taken advantage of and controlled but you have to master it and not allow it to master you.

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