Oddly enough I’m back here nearly 2 years later because I had forgotten to update this blog post when I found out the source of this attack. It wasn’t anxiety at all but something much more sinister; I’d been bitten by what may have been a black widow spider.
Later that evening while getting ready for bed, I noticed an odd red mark on my thigh. I remembered when I came home from work a burning itchy feeling in that area as I was driving home and had dismissed it as one of those odd unexplained nerve things that I sometimes get but I did slap at it and rub it as I was driving just in case it was a bite of some sort. However, upon closer examination later that night, in that exact spot was an undeniable bite mark and swelling. After even closer examination, it appeared as 2 distinct punctures, one of which was barely pink and the other, red and inflamed.
I immediately searched the internet for what sort of insect would leave this vampire bite and low and behold, it was the black widow. Not only that, all of my symptoms matched that of a black widow bite to a T. I consider myself very lucky that I must have killed it as it was biting me and it wasn’t able to inflict as much damage as they are capable of and since I was wearing very loose fitting capri pants at the time, it most likely fell out.
So now you have it, the rest of the story.
Just when my day was going along fine, sometime this evening, this BLAST of anxiety hit me like a brick wall.
My chest is tight, heart palpitations, trouble finding my breathing rhythm, you name it.
I don’t remember it being this bad in quite a long time so I’m not only having some sort of panic attack, I’m freaking out on top of it. However, as usual when anything bothers me, regardless of how HUGE, I’m internalizing it and writing this blog to try and calm myself down.
I’m 3/4 of the way through writing my latest novel and here I am, blogging about anxiety. I want to work on my book. I’ve been experiencing a wave of passion for writing and banging out up to 2K words a night recently.
Not tonight though. Not tonight.
I can’t think.
I can’t focus on anything but my fingers moving right now.
I’ve been trying to relax for two hours and now, the grand babies are awake again and seem agitated as well. If you know me, you know I’m a firm believer in energy and how your own energy directly affects any and everything around you. I’m keeping to myself when I can right now because I don’t want to bring the whole house down with me. I’m even considering a glass of wine.
Does wine help? I really don’t know.
I don’t even know where this came from. Menopause? Stress? Lack of sleep? Overtired? Stress? Choose your poison because I am 100% all of the above.
I’d go to bed but I know myself too well and I will just lay there and stare into the darkness or close my eyes and watch as my brain shoots arrows from one side to the other for hours.
Oh and my caterwauling cat won’t even stop his meowing.
If you have anxiety, do you retch? Great, now I’m retching.
Drinking some water. Breathing in and out slowly.
Okay, I’m done spilling my pain. Going out onto the front porch, pop in my earbuds and listen to some music.
Wish me luck.