First, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who’s signed up for my newsletter. The content will meander across barren plains, lush rain forests, deep blue seas, mountain majesties and sandy, warm beaches – which by the way is where it always longs to be. How many days is it until summer?
2019 wasn’t what I’d consider a five star year…but wait there’s more.
Yes, I improved myself physically by losing a ton of weight and getting to understand what my body needs in order to thrive and YES, I’m enjoying the freedom of not lugging around all that fat that I buried myself in for whatever reason. I’m not real big on examining the reasons why I built up that layer of skin armor so I won’t digress into whatever I was feeling emotionally. Personally, I believe that’s dwelling and I’m not a dweller. I’m a move on and keep swimming kind of gal. When something isn’t working for me, being that INFJ Aquarius, I go inside, break it down, analyze it and find a solution. Once I feel confident in what that solution is, I take action and obsess over it until it’s fixed.
Well, it’s fixed. Look how cute I am now. (Just go along with me on this okay? It’s taken me a long time to say that about myself.) Yes, I’m in a ladies restroom taking a selfie. Get over it. I felt awkward asking someone to take my picture so I did it myself.
The weight is almost all gone, I feel fantastic, my health has done a 180 and I appreciate my body more than ever. As spiritual beings in the physical world, we need our bodies to do human stuff like dance, run from scary stuff, play with our kids and grandchildren, stand in lines, drive cars etc. etc. etc. so I’m comfortable now in that all of these things are like a walk in the park…haha see what I did there?
2019 was a lot of fun. I made some new friends, went to a lot of parties, wrote an entire novel and published it within four months, ate a lot of steak, drank a little wine, took a nice vacation and then…in October, something weird happened. I crashed…into a wall…no, it was more like a big empty space where for the most part it was just me and my cat.
Yes, I went out a few times, enjoyed Halloween festivities and even went to a fun Halloween party and had a blast! However, somewhere on the inside of me, I felt like a broken taffy machine. You know how they make taffy…how it pulls and stretches and wraps and then pulls and stretches and wraps and then pulls and stretches and then…you get the picture. I felt like my soul had been doing that for months and the taffy was getting really sweet and delicious and expanding and contracting and then it suddenly stopped.
Everyone was saying it was that damned Mercury retrograde and I don’t dispute it. I do believe in the forces of the Universe and how they affect us so I went with it and kept a low and slow pace for those few weeks and to be honest, it definitely helped but then…my brain kicked in. My brain that never seems to stop, no matter how my soul is being stretched and pulled and expanded. My brain was telling me to come inside, it’s safe in here. It’s safer to go inside and examine life, love, relationships, writing and everything else that matters the most. The problem is, I have a mind like a steel trap and the damn gate came down and locked me inside for now…what, almost 2 months.
This is ridiculous. I keep searching for answers as to why this happened. I’m a well rounded and grounded person. However, I’m also creative, artistic, a day dreamer, an explorer and worst of all, a writer. I should be writing, not exploring the mysteries of the universe and how I fit into it…right? Well, at least that’s what I thought.
So I’ve been basically eating books about spirituality, the universe, what my purpose is and how to put all that I am into being who I’m supposed to be. The problem is in order to be all that I am supposed to be, I need to open the gate on this steel trap/cage of my mind and start acting on it and there in lies the reason for this post.
Writing has always been my escape. Writing is where I get to explore all of my thoughts and fantasies and dreams and create worlds and characters who become like real people and I allow them to act out all of the really cool, dirty, brave, obnoxious, silly and desperate things I imagine and then some. So why then am I hiding inside my mind and not creating? Why am not doing all that I was born to do?
Tonight, the answer came to me so easily and so honestly I almost broke into tears. Okay so there may have been a tear or two but it’s whatever…
FEAR. You see writing is exposure. Writing is opening yourself up to all of the things that twist and pull and stretch within your imagination all day every day, 24/7/365 and if you don’t believe me, then I don’t know what to tell you to help you understand. Okay, let’s say you have 100 browser windows open on your computer all at once and they’re all different subjects like love, sex, violence, passion, adventure, sadness, excitement and on and on…does that help? All of your inner most thoughts flowing out of you onto the screen and you have to line them up and pull them together with WORDS that make sense and lay it all out over a story that expresses it all.
You’d think after publishing eight novels in six years and exposing myself on so many levels I’d be over any fear of exposure but the thing is, that’s not what I’ve been afraid of. What if the big IT happens? What if all of the positive energy, hard work, dedication and thousands of hours I’ve spent pouring my heart and soul out into the world finally brings me the success I want and this expansion I have so longed for actually happens? Then what?
Over the past 7 weeks, I believe this VOID as I’ve called has been preparing me for just that. I believe I have been getting myself ready for this big bang that’s going to restart that taffy machine and not only that, the flavors will be endless! Like some Willy Wonka type shit is going to happen and like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone I’m shouting, “I’m not afraid anymore! Ya hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!” But I won’t run and hide under the bed…oh no. I am so ready for it. I am so open to allowing everything that is beautiful and good and right that I’ve already picked out my dream home.
2019…Thank you! Thank you for allowing me to shrink and to grow! Thank for teaching me that I can still do anything I set my mind to! Thank you for opening me up to understanding that sometimes being in that void is what I need in order to understand what paradise feels like. The void was only external. Inside, I was expanding and punching holes in walls and creating and manifesting incredible things that have only yet begun to come into being.
Thank you for showing me I don’t need anyone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay because I can hold my own hand, and my own heart and my own spirit. Thank you for showing me I don’t need validation for anything. I am strong enough and powerful enough to bring whatever I want into existence and oh I’ve only just begun! Thank you for the hours, the days, the weeks and months of experiences that brought me to this place of peace and satisfaction that I now know, is where I belong and that my desires and dreams are boundless and I’m worth it.
Thank you for teaching me that being selfish isn’t taking care of your self, it’s others asking you to put them first or their needs and wants first. That is selfishness. If working on yourself and becoming the best person you can be while avoiding the demands of others is selfish then THAT is the selfish I choose to be. After all, if you’re not taking care of yourself first, how can you allow yourself to be in service of others?
Last but not least, thank you 2019 for allowing me to find myself…my true self. Yes you’ve shown me humility, strength, conflict, self reliance, confidence and vulnerability but the take away has been worth every battle scar. Leveling up isn’t hard it’s just growth. It’s understanding that we were all born into these bodies to enjoy everything that life has to offer and not struggle, and get bogged down in past trauma and pain or heartbreak or set backs.
The true meaning of life is to just be happy wherever you are because no matter what your situation or condition, as the old saying goes, wherever you go, there YOU are. You don’t have to find joy where you are, you have to be joy where you are. You have to see it and feel it and focus on it until the things that distract you from it become damn near invisible. We all have a past. So what? I don’t believe for a second that I’m an exception but I do believe I’m exceptional and so should you. So, thank you 2019 for showing me how easy it is to be easy. How wonderful it is to be happy no matter what and above all, how peaceful it is to allow myself to have this experience in this world, on this day, in this lifetime.
We only get one life. Are you using it? Are you appreciating it?
Are you enjoying it?
Have a blessed and wonderful Christmas and the Happiest New Year Ever!
2020 COME AND GET ME!