Inspiration Comes from the Damnedest Places

To you–yes, you reading this tonight or tomorrow or whenever, you may look up at the title of this blog and say, “What the…?” but I assure you, inspiration came and it lingers in every cell of my body at this moment. I don’t need to tell you what it was. I only need to move forward in knowing how it made me feel.

Often times we find ourselves in difficult situations and we turn to others for an ear and almost everyone will say, “I’ve been through so much in my life. I completely understand.”

Not that I would ever minimize or dismiss anyone else’s experiences but I too have been through a lot in my life and I wouldn’t think of comparing my own experiences to anyone else’s. However, when you’re in that moment or moments when you have no idea what is happening or how it happened, your mind and even your body takes you back to a place where you may have felt the same way as you do right now and they remember for you–no matter how hard you try to forget.

Your memory and your physical body know exactly what you’ve been through and they react in involuntary waves.

The first wave is disbelief. You cannot believe you’re going through these emotions yet again and you become confused and maybe even doubt what is happening.

Then, like some kind of magic, your mind and body take over and say, “Look, we’ve been here before and no, you’re not imagining this. Let us handle it.”

Next, at least in my case, I shut down. Once my senses reach a certain point, I shut off the incoming impulses and step away. I’ve learned over many years that continuing to engage myself in a negative situation will drain me of not only my energy but my self respect, if I continue to allow myself to be drawn into a situation I have absolutely no control over.

I just don’t do it anymore. I become indifferent. I go numb. I write. I distract myself from the impulses and slowly wind down until the whole world goes away except for me and my thoughts.

You may wonder what could possibly be inspiring about being numb? Well, I’ll tell you–at least from my own point of view.

It’s inspiring to me that I listen to myself and do not allow my instinctual reactions dictate how I move forward. These reactions may overcome my resolve for a brief time–sometimes five minutes, sometimes, thirty but then, my conscious mind takes over and reminds me that I am in control of myself and my own life, my emotional and physical memory is not.

How someone else behaves towards me has nothing to do with how I react to them. The best I can hope for is that during that brief time, I haven’t already crossed the path of no return.

I’m not always right. I’m not always wrong. However, I’ve tried to reprogram myself over the years not to engage but to rather back away and come at a situation from another perspective. Some situations are better to just back away from completely for a bit. That too is inspiring.

Many times I have faltered. Most of the time I am a very cool blooded, laid back person but as they say, still waters run deep. Within those deep and still waters has always been a passion, that when the trigger pebble is tossed, ripples flow out beyond even the boundaries of my own expectations–both the good and the bad. If that pebble is negative provocation, the ripples can grow into a tsunami until everything in it’s wake is leveled and has to be completely rebuilt from the ground up. The wake of this reaction is messy and the clean up can take quite some time.

I’m inspired tonight because I stopped it. I controlled it. I allowed the ripples to wash over and past me without completely wiping everything out. I shut them down. I shut myself down. I stilled the waters and allowed the coolness to flow back in. I’m peaceful and can see over it all.

I’m inspired just to be able to take control of my actions and my mind.

I’m inspired because this was not always the case.

I’m inspired because  I’m still growing and learning who I am and what I am capable of.

I win.

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